MARRIAGE AFTER YOU

Dear Baby, 

My oh my, your daddy. What a man.

We married on a magical day in early Autumn, at this point you had been growing in my belly for 10 blissful weeks. We fondly referred to you only as Peanut and spent the next 6 months discussing wistfully who you would be, how we would raise you and the joy we knew you’d soon bring to our lives.

We were newlyweds, enamoured with each other and acting on the soul-stirring knowledge that you were soon to arrive we spent our time researching labour, newborns, SIDS risks and preparing your nursery. In our precious down time we enjoyed each other’s company assuming that the only thing that would change in our relationship after your arrival would be the addition of a new member to our perfect lives. How wrong we were. 

Baby, your arrival was like an earthquake that shook our marriage to the core. The ground trembled beneath us and began to crumble, we looked to each other wide eyed and didn’t know if we were going to make it.

Please don’t assume any blame here my sweet boy. You taught us both to love not only you but each other in a way we didn’t believe possible. Watching your daddy nurture and cherish you makes my heart ache with the adoration I feel for you both. His strength and resilience throughout the terrifying and exhausting moments that come from parenthood leaves me in awe every time. If early parenthood is an earthquake then daddy is my saving grace. 

I was told it would be hard, I was told I would be tired but what I didn’t prepare for was that the exhaustion, stress, mutual frustration and lack of time and intimacy would at times create a chasm between daddy and I that I could not close. 

Sometimes we would not speak about anything other than you for days. The loneliness that consumed me and the resentment I sometimes felt towards your daddy ate away at my soul, the qualities I once found endearing soured and everything he did upset me. 

Don’t get me wrong my dear, we were and are very much in love but I will not hide behind rose coloured glasses. It was and is at times extremely hard. 

We work tirelessly on our communication, openly showing affection for each other in the things we say and do and making time to appreciate each other and the bond we share. I remind myself everyday how lucky I am to have such a beautiful man to call my own and in turn how blessed I am to have created you with him. 

Things have certainly changed since your arrival my love and the upset of our harmonious marriage has only made us grow stronger as a family unit. Together we have learnt to adapt to life-altering changes, empathise with each other on a much deeper level and work tirelessly to ensure that we survive and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

You shattered the image we held of our perfect life and the shards fell to create something stronger, more enduring and magical than we ever could have envisioned. 

The earthquake has passed and we continue to battle through the after tremors but with you and daddy by my side we can endure anything. 

Love,

Mama

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